Day Twelve - 285.2

Week 2, Day Twelve results a loss of 3.6 lbs. for a total loss of 10.8 lbs. over the last two weeks.

Day Eleven - 285.6

My internal willpower switch must be off. I broke my own rule about not getting on the scale (*hiss*) except for Friday this week AND I never exercised last night. I got on the scale this morning as a kick in the "bahookie". I haven't walked all week (I know, I know - how can I make a walking group and then NOT walk?!) and I haven't been eating particularly healthy. You may all want to smack me, but I still lost 3.2 lbs. I know the weight is still coming off easily right now because I've cut out all the soda and I'm drinking all the water and so on and so on. I feel guilty, though, that I've basically done nothing and I lost those pounds. I keep remindind myself that I AM working at taking the pounds off just by changing my eating habits and making some small sacrifices.

Thanks to Diana, I have found that Wal-Mart carries a TON of 100 calorie snacks and, as you all know, snacking is my downfall. Now I'm not a huge fan of the Nabisco-shrink-em-and-make-em-crunchy 100 calorie packs, so when she showed me the Swiss Rolls, Nutty Bars and Rice Krispie Treats I was ecstatic! At BJ's yesterday, I also discovered that Hershey's produces 100 calorie candy bars. There's no diet crap in them - they are just cut down in size so you're only eating 100 calories. Whoever decided to produce and market snacks in 100 calories is a GENIUS, and I'd like to give them a kiss.

Day Ten

In case you missed yesterday's post, I am refusing to get on the scale (*hiss*) daily this week for fear of what it might tell me. This is the reasoning behind today's title being only "Day Ten"... not "Day Ten - 400 lbs".

Yesterday was a complete and utter trainwreck. The weather was 20 degrees colder than Monday, when I had been swimming in a lovely, albeit chilly, pool with my nephews. We're talking gray, drizzly, hot-chocolate-and-cookies-attack-inducing weather. I told myself that I would go home and get on the elyptical, since we had to cancel our walk. Yeah. That happened. NOT!

I went home and made myself a short-stack... if a short stack actually consisted of 15 silver dollar-sized pancakes. In addition to this nauseating episode of carb overload, I also devoured four links of "Brown and Serve" sausage - all smothered in Aunt Jemima - God, I love her. Then, once I finished, I laid back in my recliner to "digest". Diana came over with Twilight and I was out of commission. I didn't move again for the rest of the night except to get into bed.

Needless to say - it was a pretty unhealthy day. My lapse in judgement resulted in me eating half the kitchen. Don't fret! I am back on track today! Breakfast was a quick Kudos bar and water and lunch was a Smart Ones and 100 calorie Swiss Roll with a Pepsi One. I am shopping with my B-I-L for Lisa's party on Saturday, so I will be home late. However, I prepped some bonless, skinless chicken for Rob to stick in the oven, so I will have dinner waiting for me when I get home (yay!). I haven't decided whether I want to elypticize, walk, or do a video On Demand tonight for exercise. Decisions, decisions.

Memorial Day Weekend

Hot dogs and burgers and s'mores - OH MY!

I decided NOT to step on the scale (*hiss*) daily this week, because I know this weekend will probably have wreaked havoc on my journey and I'd rather not be discouraged.

This weekend proved tougher than I thought it would be. I tried to stay on track by loading up on veggies and watermelon, but an occasional hot dog and burger may have sneaked their way onto my plate. I did well with the soda drinking, until my Aunt and Uncle ran out of Diet soda midway through their picnic on Sunday. I ended up drinking about 4 cans of regular Pepsi on Sunday. In my mind I keep reassuring myself that it's OK because I will be sticking to my eating and exercising routine strictly for the rest of the week.

Day Five - 288.8

FYI - End of Week 1 resulted in a loss of 7.2 lbs.

Day Four - 290.0

I got on the scale (*hiss*) this morning to reluctantly learn that I've gained .6 lbs since yesterday. Is that possible? Although I was disappointed, I'm actually enjoying this daily weigh-in thing. It makes me realize that maybe I shouldn't have eaten TWO bowls of cereal last night before bed. Plus, dinner was a little heavier than I would've liked. We had pasta and broccoli alfredo and a salad. A note to anyone who cares: Ragu's alfredo sauce tastes like nothing and is a waste of CALORIES! Although the dinner was not the best thing we could have made, I feel like it made me reach a benchmark - I restrained myself from having garlic bread!

I am a bread-aholic. Bread has always been my downfall. I love bread in all shapes and sizes: rolls, biscuits, slices, dumplings, toast - the list goes on and on. At any rate, I've been getting my daily "bread" fill at lunchtime, when I eat my Lean Cuisine Panini, but it's just not the same as eating a buttered roll. Ooo... maybe that's why I like bread so much... because it invites its cousin, butter. Anyway... back to the issue at hand - bread is really hard for me to pass up. I can eat four rolls in one sitting (with my normal dinner). However, I was really proud of Rob and me for both passing up the opportunity to overindulge. I asked him, as I was stirring our wheat pasta, if he wanted to throw two slices of garlic bread in the toaster. His reply, "I don't want it... it's so many calories for a little bitty piece of bread..." threw me for a loop. Way to go, Rob! My pre-journey response to this would have been *whine whine whine* until he gave in. The new Becca is no whiner! No pain, no gain!

I think I'm finally starting to get it!

Day Three - 289.4

Day three started out with hopping -well more like tiptoeing while trying to make myself as light as possible - onto the scale (*hiss*). My cringing was followed by a "WOOT!" when it told me I lost another 1 lb. That is a total loss of 6.6 lbs. I won't lie - there was a happy dance.

I feel great, because I am taking steps, literally, in the right direction on my journey. Last night we had eight people out for the walking group. I realized, after converting my pedometer steps from "km"s to miles that we were actually walking 2.5 miles, not 2 - that was an exciting discovery! When we got home, my shins hurt, my calves were spasming, and I was actually sweating. Five minutes later, after stretching and having some water, I felt accomplished. This whole experience makes me feel like I am working my weight off instead of sitting on the recliner balancing a bowl of ice cream on my fat roll wondering why the lbs aren't pouring off.

Speaking of ice cream, Diana gave me some great advice today about my "cheat treat". She said I should stay away from food rewards. How simple! Why didn't I think of that? In my brain, food is always a "reward" because it makes me feel good. Pre-journey, I would have been happy parked in front of the TV with a bag of Double Stuf Oreos in my lap for the rest of my life. However, I am reconditioning myself to be happy in situations, not in food. I was thinking, "Ooo, if I make goal I'm gonna get me a Rita's gelati," but after thinking about it, I'd really like a manicure. A manicure looks nice, makes me feel good, and will certainly last longer than a bag of Double Stuf Oreos! So, keep an eye out for my beautious nails!

Day Two - 290.4

Holy water weight, Batman! In case the math scares you I lost 5.6 lbs. since Sunday (my first weigh-in). I have to say I'm not all that shocked. I don't mean that in a self-centered way, like, "Yes, I'm the master of losing weight, just look at how skinny I've become!" I mean it in more of a "Yes, I am finally drinking 8 glasses of water a day - I guess the doctors were right," kind of way. (I hate when doctors are right.)

Yesterday I started my walking group (shameless self-promotion, I know). The turnout was awesome - five adults, five kids, and one dog named Dolly. I'm so glad Dolly came - she literally pulled the group. (You try keeping up with a pitbull chasing a rabbit!) During our walk my oldest nephew, Graham, and I had an interesting conversation that really made me think.
G: "Bubba, I don't think anyone is losing any weight."
B: "You don't? Why's that, Graham?"
G: "Because everybody still looks the same!"

Way to tell it like it is, Graham. I feel that way a lot of times. Why diet? I don't see any difference. I don't feel any different. I don't like sacrifice. Blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what? Those are all EXCUSES to avoid eating healthy...ily (is that a word?).

Rob and I went with Lisa and Scott to the Spirit of Philadelphia a few days ago for her 30th birthday. We had a fabulous time drifting up and down the Delaware. However, after looking at the pictures from this trip, I cringe. This picture of Rob and I really made me feel... icky. Thoughts include I can't believe I had to buy a size 26/28 dress; look at those arms; man, my face is huge; look at my butt - gigantic! Now I don't say that to have people say, "Oh no, you look great!" because, trust me, I don't. This is the heaviest I've ever been.

I know some people who would tear up a horrible picture of themselves. However, I feel that pictures like these help motivate me to lose weight and remind me why I'm taking this journey.

Day One - 296.0

My journey is starting at 296.0 lbs. of blubber. It sucks. I feel greasy and fat and nasty (yum, right?).

I never had a bad self-image, which is how I think I let this get out of control. I never cared what people thought of my weight (no - not even "deep down" - you psychologists). I was always comfortable with my body and the way my clothes fit and the way my face looked. I didn't realize how much weight I was putting on. I think this happens when you have an eating disorder.

For instance, bulemics or anorexics look in the mirror and think, "I'm a cow!" I, on the other hand, looked in the mirror and thought, "I look okay!" Now, when I look in the mirror I think, "MOOOOOOO!!!" All joking aside, I can feel the strain this weight is putting on my body. When I get up in the AM my back hurts. When I climb stairs, my knees creak and I feel like I'm going to pass out from lack of oxygen (think wheezing 80 year old smoker).

I remember the first time I ever went on a "diet". I was in fifth grade and my mom and I decided we both needed to lose some weight. We would eat healthy all week and allow ourselves a "cheat treat" on the weekend. It was awesome! The first week I lost 11 lbs. Can you believe it?? 11 LBS!! I am only hoping to be half as successful this week! I will be using the "cheat treat" method right now because I know myself - if I can't have ice cream sometime, I'll die! However, I will only allow myself that "cheat treat" if I make my goal (which I'm setting for myself).

Put on your seatbelts and come along for the ride!

GOALS (Week of 5/18)
~ Lose 7 lbs.
~ Drink 64 oz. water per day
~ NO sugared drinks (i.e. regular soda, juice, etc.)

Starting the Journey

I have no sense of "mind over matter". I think this is part of the reason I suffer from such bad anxiety. I struggle with being able to talk myself down. For instance, last night I wanted S'mores for a snack (hey - it wasn't Day 1 yet!). Instead of just having ONE or even two, I ate FOUR. Why did I eat four? Well, why not eat four? Most people can say to themselves, "Self, if we have everything we want all the time it will hurt us." I can't do that. This is something I'm working on: self-discipline!

Self-discipline is something I've never been able to find. When it comes to eating, I just eat whatever I want, whenver I want. When it comes to exercising I'm completely sedentary. My internal theory is something like "if it feels good, do it..." but I know, on the external side, that this is dangerous! Hence the reason I quit smoking - I know as much as the next person that it causes lung cancer as well as a host of other issues, but it felt good, it was relaxing, etc. This is how my brain functions when it comes to food as well. It's good, it's relaxing, it's a boredom-killer. Most people view eating and food as a way of survival. I view it as a hobby.

For instance, if "X" was bored one Saturday afternoon, she might take a book to the park and sit on a bench and read. She may even take a walk and bask in the sun. Well, if I am bored on a Saturday afternoon I bake a cake... and eat it all. I mix and pour and make homemade icing and bask in the smell that is "baking cake". After all is said and done, however, I feel nothing. Well, I may feel sick from eating all that cake, but I don't feel satisifed. I don't feel as if my boredom's been relieved. That's when it's on to the gallon of ice cream and so on and so on. What a vicious cycle!