Starting the Journey

I have no sense of "mind over matter". I think this is part of the reason I suffer from such bad anxiety. I struggle with being able to talk myself down. For instance, last night I wanted S'mores for a snack (hey - it wasn't Day 1 yet!). Instead of just having ONE or even two, I ate FOUR. Why did I eat four? Well, why not eat four? Most people can say to themselves, "Self, if we have everything we want all the time it will hurt us." I can't do that. This is something I'm working on: self-discipline!

Self-discipline is something I've never been able to find. When it comes to eating, I just eat whatever I want, whenver I want. When it comes to exercising I'm completely sedentary. My internal theory is something like "if it feels good, do it..." but I know, on the external side, that this is dangerous! Hence the reason I quit smoking - I know as much as the next person that it causes lung cancer as well as a host of other issues, but it felt good, it was relaxing, etc. This is how my brain functions when it comes to food as well. It's good, it's relaxing, it's a boredom-killer. Most people view eating and food as a way of survival. I view it as a hobby.

For instance, if "X" was bored one Saturday afternoon, she might take a book to the park and sit on a bench and read. She may even take a walk and bask in the sun. Well, if I am bored on a Saturday afternoon I bake a cake... and eat it all. I mix and pour and make homemade icing and bask in the smell that is "baking cake". After all is said and done, however, I feel nothing. Well, I may feel sick from eating all that cake, but I don't feel satisifed. I don't feel as if my boredom's been relieved. That's when it's on to the gallon of ice cream and so on and so on. What a vicious cycle!